Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Hut! Hut! Wait, I Mean May We Begin Now, Comrades?

Rational Self–Interest

Here’s the latest from the wide world of sports:

NFL NEWS: All Games End In Ties Again This Week

Playoffs, Super Bowl Canceled as New Spread the Points Around Rule Teaches Teams How to Play Fair

NEW YORK (Four Rs Wire Services)—For the fifth week in a row, every game in the NFL ended in a tie, a result of this year’s new Fairness Rule. The point–sharing measure was adopted at an emergency meeting of the league’s Rules Committee in response to the near collapse of some teams early in the first few games, and took effect in the season’s fourth week. Bernadine Dohrn, appointed to the post of NFL Commissioner by President–To–Be Obama to deal with the emergency, calls the measure a triumph.

In harmony with Our Magnificent Leader’s1 new vision for America, said Grand Commissioner Dohrn, we have succeeded in making NFL football a fair game, where even the weakest teams now compete successfully with the strongest. Without punishing anyone’s success, the NFL has improved the records of every team that had been behind the others.

Houston Texans coach Gary Kubiak, whose team contributed 14.5 points to the Cincinnati Bengals in what would have been a humiliating 35 to 6 win, said he was simply giddy to be part of a system where teams sacrifice the fruits of their success to the greater good.

However, some teams still fail to see the truth of the new rule. We have an extremely talented team, said Jeff Fisher, coach of the Tennessee Titans, after his team’s 20 point tie with the Indianapolis Colts. Under the old rules we would be undefeated at this point in the season. We would never have given our points to the Colts if we weren’t forced to by the league. We earned those points, they belong to us, and we should be able to keep them.

Yesterday, High Commissioner Dohrn, acting on a tip from patriotic Colts tight end Dallas Clark, launched an investigation into possible pedophilia and cannibalism by an unnamed NFL coach.

The number of scoreless ties rose again, the Cowboys–Buccaneers game bringing the latest total to 7. While vile skeptics allege that having every game end in a tie causes players to lose the desire to perform, Fearless Commissioner Dohrn says she’s proud of the growing sense of righteous egalitarianism among players.

The offensive line of the Ravens permitted Joe Flacco to be sacked a league record 19 times because they wanted the Raiders’ defense to feel good about their performance, Glorious Commissioner Dohrn noted. The unsubstantiated rumor that they don’t care any more is nothing but a vicious, anti–social lie. The whole league has been ordered to stand firmly behind the new rules.

The 30 point score tax, levied on the former Redskins because their team name was offensive to oppressed Indigenous Americans, was lifted last week when they changed their name to the Rainbows, a move praised by their famous fans, previously known as the Hogs but now called the Light–Bearers. The removal of the tax enabled the team to contribute four points to the Lions in their 21 point tie. Prior to admitting their evil, the Rainbows had continuously scored negative points, draining the common point pool just to bring them to a score of zero. Following the enlightened lead of the Rainbows, the Jets are expected to announce their new team name, rumored to be the Hybrids, at a press conference on Friday, which should result in a lowering of their 50 point tax. There’s been no word yet on name changes for the Buccaneers, Chargers, Chiefs, Cowboys, Packers, Patriots, Raiders, or Steelers.

With every game now ending in a tie, the playoffs and the Super Bowl have been deemed no longer necessary, since they are elitist and damaging to the self–esteem of teams who don’t qualify or who lose playoff games. League attendance averaging less than 100 fans per game and the complete loss of television revenue are not factors in the decision. In fact, a statement by Commissar Dohrn has made both of those things untrue.

In an interview with ESPN’s Chris Berman, the ghost of Vince Lombardi was quoted as saying, What the fuck?

Here are this week’s scores:

Colts and Titans: 20
Seahawks and 49ers: 23.5
Giants and Steelers: 0
Bengals and Texans: 20.5
Browns and Jaguars: 0
Falcons and Eagles: 0
Chiefs and Jets: 26
Chargers and Saints: 0
Rams and Patriots: 0
Bills and Dolphins: 20.5
Rainbows and Lions: 21
Buccaneers and Cowboys: 0
Cardinals and Panthers: 25
Raiders and Ravens: 0
Vikings, Broncos, Bears, and Packers (byes): 11.2

(Teams with a bye this week were each awarded 11.2 points, the average score of all teams that played, so they wouldn’t be left behind or feel bad about the league not scheduling them to play this week.)

1Capitalization in conformance with Executive Pre–Order 10–290, Requirements for Voluntary Exaltation of the President–To–Be.

Update, 2008.10.30 6.05 PM:
A fellow blogger wrote a similarly–themed post back before the Olympics. Check out Deus Ex Machina’s Athletes Shrugged—it’s great!

Update, 2008.10.29 8.31 PM:
A whopping 137 points to anyone who can guess why I chose Dallas Clark as the Colt snitch—there’s an actual reason, but it’s awfully obscure. Your points will be awarded out of next week’s NFL Common Point Pool. True, you will have earned them, which goes against the spirit of the Spread the Points Around rule, but...I’ve now carried a joke too far, so I’ll stop.

By the way, I have no beef with Mr. Clark. In fact, I’ve always thought him an excellent player, and true to the Colt tradition of wearing weird numbers for certain positions (Clark is a tight end wearing #44, cf. part–time quarterback Tom Matte, #41, and linebacker Mike Curtis, #32). I’m sure he would only ever accuse anyone of pedophilia or cannibalism if he knew for sure they were guilty, and never as part of a political smear job. Cheers!

Update, 2008.10.29 4.19 PM:
Wow, this post comes with an instant update. The government has always stuck its nose into sports: mucking around with the sanctity of contracts in dealing with steriod use, granting the NFL an exception to the anti–trust laws that shouldn’t even exist, stepping on voluntary human interactions by regulating sports betting, etc. ESPN has the latest, a demand by senators for the NFL to make more games available on free broadcasts. Read the article, notice the nitpicking, the focus on tiny little details. WHY IS THE SENATE SPENDING TIME ON THIS? Is the government ever going to refrain from butting in on private affairs?

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